Well, it appears that I have forgotten how to tell time. Sperm Week 2012 has gone on now for almost two weeks and been silent on the back end. My wife’s birthday, car troubles, and new, stricter financial situations around the ol’ homestead make for quite the time suckers when it comes to this blogging gig! Why was I not told that doing something I enjoy and wish to improve in would require time and practice!! Not to mention the psychological and emotional beat down I try to squash with some of these.
All silliness aside…it is a bit trying when the only subjects to write about regarding to our journey deal with more roadblocks and less achievements! Nevertheless, this is something that I have dedicated myself to do and work on, both as a writing exercise and cathartic release. And connecting with you wonderful people has been more uplifting that I could begin to explain without needing even more time to write and wipe away comforting tears! And that is a good thing!
So back into the breach! Rededicated and renewed! And finally an end to the longest week of the year: Sperm Week 2012!
Dr. K has analyzed my collection results and mails us another letter. I start to view each one with more foreboding. It's not really anything we wanted to hear. Essentially, what the microscope showed us previously is true across the board for my sample. There just aren't enough mobile sperm or correctly shaped sperm present to be conducive for our desires. Dr. K is befuddled by this given my blood work, but this is what the test showed. Coupled with our ages and the MTHFR problems, he feels our chances of getting pregnant the old fashioned route are very, very slim. It can be accomplished because we've achieved it before. Realistically speaking, the odds are not in our favor.
Dr. K wants to discuss in vitro fertilization with us which is curious. Dr. K told us before he really doesn't like going in vitro because he feels as though he failed. But given all our issues and time table, it could be a very successful process for our case. He cares so much about helping us accomplish this that we don’t feel so alone. We haven't made an appointment yet, but I think we're at least going to go and get the information.
We've also been giving adoption some serious consideration, in a fact collection mode only for now. We know it's a long process and financially, there's a cost just as there would be with in vitro fertilization, but we've only just begun getting our Google on.
Despite all the things that seem like setbacks, I don't feel like this door is being closed. I feel very confident about us having a child. But I wonder if that comes across as prideful or arrogant. I don't think that it's wrong to pray for a miracle, but I also know telling God exactly how He should fulfill my request is a foolish thing to do. Sometimes it feels like holding onto this dream causes more harm than good. The crushing monthly disappointment is hard for both of us and here I am setting us up for more hardship next month. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't make me second guess what I feel like God is saying. I wonder if I'm being fair. I continue to pray about it and I still feel like it's a “just wait” kind of scenario.
We hear so many wonderful stories from amazingly supportive people about other couples who have been in similar situations and God just blessed them with a child that's it hard not to put ourselves in that situation. To think that it's going to happen for us in the same way. Quite simply, getting pregnant the good, old fashioned way and give birth to our child is just something incredible that we want to experience together.
Being patient can be excruciating. I guess the overall point here is where do our hearts lie? Are we dedicated to continuing in prayer over this? To continue trying? To accept however God is working here? I know that keeping in constant prayer keeps that relationship open not only between my wife and me, but between us and our Lord.
And I know that whatever comes from this, He will be glorified.